HERE ARE SOME SIGNS AND
NOTICES,
WRITTEN IN ENGLISH, THAT WERE
DISCOVERED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person
to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours
of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings
in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers
beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two
years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together
in one tent unless they are married with each other for that
purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite
sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a
man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in
the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage
then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
* English well talking.
* Here speeching American.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
Outside a copier in India:
We make photocopies in all languages.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
From a Tanzanian newspaper ad
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool as you drink it all in.
In a butcher shop in Nahariyya, Israel:
I slaughter myself twice daily.
In a barber shop in Tokyo:
All customers promptly excecuted.
In a clothing shop in Brussels:
Mourning and sportswear.
In a barbershop in Zanzibar:
Gentlemen's throats cut with nice sharp razors.
In the window of a travel agency in Barcelona:
Go away.
In The Restaurant des Artistes, Montmarte, France:
We serve five o' clock tea at all hours.
In a bakery in Valley of Kashmir:
First class loafer.
VARIOUS MENU ITEMS:
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan
Cock in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
French Creeps - L.A.
French fried ships - Cairo
Fried fishermen - Japan
Fried freindship - Nepal
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Goose Barnacles - Spain
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Lamp Chops - Akko, Israel
Muscles of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Prawn cock and tail - Cairo
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Strawberry crap - Japan
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
VARIOUS PRODUCT NAMES:
Ass Glue - Chinese glues
Ban Cock - Indian cockroach repellent
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Homo sausage - East Asian fish sausage
Hornyphon - Austrian video recorder
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Last Climax - Japanese tissues
Libido - Chinese soda
My Fanny - Japanese toilet paper
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Shitto - Ghanian pepper sauce
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Zit - Greek soft drink
SIGNS IN THE USA (MOSTLY):
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:
Now serving live lobsters.
On the menu of a restaurant:
Blackened bluefish.
In a New Jersey restaurant:
Open seven days a week and weekends.
On the walls of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent
of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy.
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.
In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center.
On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church.
In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
men's wool suits - $100 -- They won't last an hour!
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
Parking for birds only.
In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the
perpetual light is extinguished.
In a laundry room:
Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause
irreparable damage.
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago:
Do not activate with wet hands.
In a New Hampshire jewelry store:
Ears pierced while you wait.
Disclaimer at the end of a London, Ontario, newspaper ad announcing job
openings for firefighters:
The City of London is an equal opportunity employer.
We also provide all our employees with a
smoke-free work place.
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin:
Crap - .79/lb.
In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.
In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
At a number of US military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of "You are my one and only" valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from
any but their own graves.
On the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.
In a library:
Blotter paper will no longer be available until
the public stops taking it away.
On a Tennessee highway:
Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car.
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.
A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from
the Transbay bus terminal:
Terminal Drugs.
From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket:
If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read
this card, please tell a crew member.
On a delicatessen wall:
Our best is none too good.
On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.
On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship.
In downtown Boston:
Callahan Tunnel / No end.
A sign on a front yard in York, Maine:
Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night.
THANKS TO:
Signs abroad, menu items, product names:
Alan Harris <[email protected]>